My girlfriend figured out who you are.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
It was fine until he came back to my place, grabbed a beer, HIGH-FIVED me, and left.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
A homeless man just offered me vodka. The power it took to deny it deserves an award.
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
I woke up on some strangers couch covered in salad mix and oatmeal cream pies. The struggle is absolutely real.
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Randomize
