Going back to college after four years is reminding me why i love cheating... they dont let me cheat on tests but they sure try hard to make me cheat on my girl
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Do you think I'm short enough to dress up in a ghost costume and go trick or treating and have people believe that I'm actually a child?
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
So she was amazing, that's what. Idk if it was the blow or the blowjob, but both my heads are still tingling.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
His nipple licking is glorious
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