hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
can you buy anything in the cafeteria for less than $2? I spent the last of my laundry money on a chia pet
My vagina makes bad decisions like its her job
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
I just set my acrylic nail on fire while trying to light my blunt
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Randomize
