i need an iv and a liver transplant
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Lets both be adults and never talk about last night again.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
He asked me the next morning if he fell asleep inside of me. Drunk is an understatement.
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
