She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
Going to Kmart high is like jumping in a time machine back to the 80s
Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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