im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
wanna hang out tonight and remember it?
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Wanna hang out? my DILF had to dip out for his sons little league game
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
