Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
i can't believe you bought a jetta. you know that's a girl car, right? if i hadn't had sex with you, i'd have no other proof you're straight.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
I wore my underwear in the shower just in case i passed out and you had to come in and get me
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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