I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
tell that swedish kid i didnt take his shotgun. he GAVE it to me.
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
she said she walked into the kitchen and i was sitting ass naked on the floor chugging her parents vodka.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
I'm daydrinking whiskey in a princess hat
Lol if he questions who I am I'm gonna send him a pic of his boxers
He came back with a Butterfinger and vibrator batteries. There's no refusing him now.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
Randomize
