Also my back is semi rug burned and I'm holding you fully responsible.
I would love to give you more rug burn
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I may or may not juuuust be reaching the point where I find some humor from waking up in the parking lot at the standard.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Also, making a white Russian with butterscotch schnapps instead of vodka is probably the best decision I've made in my entire college career.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Ever had one of those went so hard last night you woke up at the foot of the bed naked wondering where your phone ended up?
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
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