IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
first time i ever mailed panties back to a fuck buddy. what better of a way to say its over
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
My mom found my empty case that I hid in my room and just said "now why don't you be a responsible underaged drinker and throw it in the recycling" and walked away. I'm in shock.
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
