im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
we dont know what were doing after yet. first up we have 90 beers and a party kit and fun hats.
It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
You wanted to go find him and we told you to sit down cause you kept stumbling. You yelled " I CAN STAND!! It's the walking part I can't figure out!"
I think I fell in love with her when I saw her kick a freshman in the chest
I wish I could have a tequila IV with me all the time. Intravenous tequila intoxication.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
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