Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
He doesn't have any game.. I mean, his one move is forwarding chicks pictures of his penis.
When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
You burned the hair off your arms. Again.
It grows back stronger each time.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
Some old bald man is a 100,000 dollar Audi sports car just revved his engine at me and held out his phone at me trying to get my number. I hate the valley.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Things change once you put a ring on it. 5 years ago if I had morning wood she would have gone nympho on that. Now I am just lucky if she touches it rolling when we sleep.
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