What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Either I got the clap, or I masturbated with soap while I was sleeping.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
I hope my orgasm sounds aren't secretly that bad and no one tells me
How does this dude know what a dying walrus sounds like? That's the real question
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
somebody went from crying while watching Full House, to a full on emotional raging bull...I love this time of the month
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
the bartender knew what was up when i took a sip of my drink, gagged and asked her to water down my water
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
