Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
He has a really nice penis but its like a model that wasn't built to scale
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
God gave him joint rollers for hands
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
You are right. The scrape marks on her ass are from her breaking the doggy door by crawling through it.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
Randomize
