Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
so the sex was amazing up until the point where she said "wow, you're even better than your dad!"
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Writing apology letters and leaving them on peoples doors for your actions is NOT what I want to be doing at 6am.
Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.
We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
Soooooooo high. David tried to rinse the water droplets out of the sink for 5 minutes
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
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