I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
He fucked a girl named Oreo... He deserved syphilis.
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
Randomize
