i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Just wanted to let you know that I always win at "whose ex is crazier" because of you.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
meanwhile at my house I found 2 bud heavys in the back of my book shelf crammed between a Franklin book and goodnight moon
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
It started getting weird when you decided to scold my vagina.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
