my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Its okay I found my bra. ...it was on your cat. I wont ask questions.
I don't have a cat..?
Nothin much, just sipping warm franzia from a plastic valentines wine glass while wrapped in my Mexican blanket listening to sappy country songs and mourning my lack of a love life. Hbu?
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Did u find my other sock in your bra? U said u were uneven so I did the gentlemanly thing.
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