I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
If you're trying to subtly tell me that I look like Connie Chung, just stop it. I already know.
All I remember is taking a bath, puking in the bath water numerous times while trying to wash myself and I must of eventually given up
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
