You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
Just drank an entire bottle of champagne for lunch. It's gonna be that kind of semester.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
We didn't want to make a pit stop so I just helped my husband pee in a bottle. No one told me this was part of love.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Randomize
