We got so high we made milksteak
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
turns out putting a tie on my unicorn onesie didn't make it acceptable "formal wear" and I found salsa in my cup holder
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
Woke up with champagne in my hair and honey mustard on my hands. Strangely, I'm okau with this
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
