Based on how hungover I feel today, it makes more sense that the bouncer didn't let me in to that bar.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
I don't think going to Relay for Life and painting our faces while everyone stares at us is a sufficent late night after the bars.
This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.
Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth
I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I didn't want to see any of his nipples and now I've seen all three. Thanks.
I need to start a penis folder so I stop "accidentally" showing people my junk. On a side note- St. Pattys penis was a hit, four leaf clover and all.
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
We should get drunk in walmart
when?
20 minutes ago
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