My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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