So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
May or may not have just drunkenly opened my christmas presents. Greatly disappointed. Might break up sooner.
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I'm having one of my monday morning walk of shame coffees if you care to join.
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
Quick question. How did my clothes end up in your room on your bed and I end up outside your room naked on your couch?
I came to the party for him. I don't know where he went, but I mentioned being hungry and his housemate brought me a huge tupperware container of berry cobbler. I think I'll stay.
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Who brings a stripper to breakfast at the dining hall? What was the plan? Impress her with his meal plan?
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