Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
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And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
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I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
Sorry for the milk in the bathroom. I was washing mace out of the one security guys eyes
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
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