fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I started the day with dreams of getting laid and ended it with the reality of eating Taco Bell in my bed with my dog.
how do you feel about japanese?
I would eat half a street meat hotdog I found on the sidewalk, I'm good with anything.
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