Wow, this guy is harder to get rid of than gum in pubic hair
Dipping chips in queso and thinking of your beautiful face
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
I'm sitting next to some random guy in a gorilla suit drinking out of a bottle of vodka.
He's majoring in Religion
my mom just left...time to break out that water bottle of wine that I sewed into my teddy bear
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
there are not enough nopes in the world for that situation.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
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