Billy Mays died!
I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Your shoe was in the washing machine. I have it in my pocket. My phone rang before and I answered your shoe. Meet me at the bar in 10.
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
If you can't have hot, loud sex in a dorm for the last time ever, what can you do in this world?
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
My body isnt used to all this fresh air, sun and booze....ok well maybe just the fresh air and sun...its used to the booze.
Randomize
