Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
As pissed as she was, you would've thought I was trying to get back into his pants instead of his booze collection.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Is her dick bigger than yours?
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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