god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
We're having soft pretzels and cheese dip for dinner tonight. Like fucking adults.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Apparently I called him, said "vodka" and then hung up on him.
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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