Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Randomize
