you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
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