Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
You're like the curious george of whores
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
This guy kept trying to use "see? I'm clean. Cleared by the plasma place today." as a pick up line. This is not okay.
Some girl woke me up at 1:30 am looking for weed and the next thing I know I'm in a hot tub with 3 girls, 2 40's, and a blunt.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
sorry for any reference made toward your boobs or making you feel pregnant or incapable of peeing. make it a wonderful day.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
