I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
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