that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka
I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
Hey start looking around for a low rider Subaru. Well get a loan. It will be capital for our first music video.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
Randomize
