I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
He ended up letting us go, I think he just felt sorry for us. It's the only time that my night's gotten worse after I've taken my pants off.
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Woke up with chlamydia and a bruised rib. I'd say my boss is gonna be mad about me not showing up to work, except you know.. it's her fault.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
Randomize
