Sad Moment: I only had enough $ at 711 to buy chips or salsa. I chose salsa and took a plastic spoon
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.
Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.
Im chasing shots of tequila with chocolate milk right now. by myself. its nasty, but I've had worse in tjere the past couple days, so ill take it.
I'm just gonna stay I'm bed where it is warm and cozy and nobody knows me as the girl that puked on a stripper
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
she walked up to me at the bar, kissed me, andthen declared "I HAVEN'T SEEN YOU OR YOUR PENIS SINCE 2011."
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
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