So I have to go swallow an entire zebra. Ur on ur own girl.
i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
Spending the night with him made me realize that stupid people both irritate and fascinate me, so I'd say it equaled itself out.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
Randomize
