your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
Need to stop getting stoned with this chick, I keep waking up covered in pizza sauce
I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
He sent me a picture; erect penis, cat in hand and no pants on. He got a boob pic for that one.
IT'S LINGERIE PURCHASED FROM A FLEA MARKET, THE ONLY THING IT'S GOING TO BE POSITIVE FOR IS A TEST FOR HIV
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
So Blakes coming home... so if youre like fingerbanging the shit out of yourself on the kitchen table...wrap it up
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Randomize
