im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
I sold weed for gas money to get home. I thought that's what college was for.
"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
we were waffle house and a lady told me her imaginary friend was sitting in the chair next to her. i don't feel so trashy now.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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