To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.
Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I've used my house key more to do bumps of coke than I've used it to get in my house.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Hey by the way did you notice my third nipple in my snapchat
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
I was the only one in group sessions to bring up sex as a stress reliever. Some of those people were awfully judgy despite the fact we were all in a psych ward.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
Randomize
