I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
so she asked me if I thought she was fat and naturally I said no..... but I think she might catch on
who is she? I really hope you have an explanation cause either you think I'm fat or you're cheating on me
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Most people would probably take his lack of responses as a queue to stop. But nope, not me. I just keep going. And that's why I don't have a bf, just a little weinered friend
the other day i was so high i found pages and pages of pictures of HD hamburgers and patriotic music. bong rips for merica.
She sleeps with her hand around my balls. First I thought it was just a comfort thing. Now I think it's to make sure I can't slip away in the middle of the night.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
I'm in his bed. I got up to puke. Im one eyeing it eating a hot dog bun. Wtf. This is my life
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...
Just stole my moms weed, left a note saying sorry.. Hope she isn't mad.
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