the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
What the hell did I do to get youtube to recommend a video for me called "how to increase your chances of getting pregnant"?
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
also, add "teaching boys to sext" to my charity work
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
Rick two cubicles down puked and that triggered three others puking into their trash cans as well. The janitorial staff hates it when we go drinking on a work night.
A big thanks to that bride-to-be, Her fiance and his loaded friends will forever hold a place in my heart for the generous tequila body shots on the couch at Henry's.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
The fact that you got a stranger guy to buy you a pizza off tinder makes me feel amazing
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
THAT'S MY GIRL
KICKING BUT AND GETTING PEOPLE INTOXICATED
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
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