my phone needs a breathalizer
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.
allie, at least he made an effort and braided his goatee.
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
He made me come so hard I punched another hole in the wall mid orgasm.
I'm not fixing this one for you. Do it your own damn self.
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