When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
What the hell do I have to do to get some foreplay around here? This sucks.
I think you know the answer.
How can I marinade myself in Vodka?
my cup is half full, half full of rum.
She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.
I'm trying to decide whether it's worth it to masturbate in this gas station bathroom
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
What does that mean when you have a child masturbating in your dream? Is that weird?
I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
STOP SENDING ME NAKED PICTURES WHEN I'M TRYING TO TEACH. MONDAY TUESDAY 1-3 IS A DICK AND ARSE FREE ZONE
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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