I saw her while sober, and she is definately cut off from the penis ride
If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?
I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own
THAT'LL be a good time.
and i don't know why my phone always capitalizes that word.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
he asked me to hangout with him...and his son
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
He tried to introduce me to one of his friends that kept looking at me and I said "OH NO! I can't do this shit anymore!!" It was like I had a vision of what drunk me would've done in about 20 minutes.
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
My mom and my boss just had a discussion on FB about the sexual habits of old people. The magic of the Internet.
Randomize
