I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
One of my nipples looks nothing like the other...i don't know how this happened
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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