I think I'd remember a dick in my mouth
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
Randomize
