Every good night starts with white castle burgers and shots in the parking lot.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
Homeless guy on the metro is drinking beer out of a coke bottle. Hello friend.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
she just blew up the empty bag of wine and used it as a floatation device.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I knew I no longer wanted to bone him when he put the Grease soundtrack on as "mood music", no guy looks attractive singing and dancing to greased lightning naked.
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