Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
I can't tell you what you just drank, that would ruin the point of Mystery Monday.
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
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