I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
If I had a sex resume I'd get tons of jobs.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
Don't you realize there's more to life than sex and pizza rolls?
My Instagram consists mostly of drag queens and people who dress up as power rangers... I'm pretty sure I'm an unclassified category of gay
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
I just destroyed that poor boy. Picked him up and put him wherever I wanted, it was like the Pride version of Elf on a Shelf.
HANDS OFF UNTIL AFTER I DO BUTT STUFF WITH HIM.
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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