Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
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just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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