mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You wore a man's plastic top hat last night.
No I didn't. Whiskey did.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
You thought they were asking for volunteers for a karaoke contest so you jumped up not realizing it was actually a "last 3 minutes boxing match". But you took that right hook like a champ.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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