As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
And then we can spend New Year's Day sprawled across the tiles watching greys anatomy and puking into the bushes over the balcony. It'll be great
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
im pretty sure the interns at this hospital have gotten hotter
You turn 21 at midnight!
This is better than being born!!
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
Oh, btw, UPS might come by. Drunk me ordered us $75 worth of gummy airhead starburst type candies. Whatever it is, it'll be delicious.
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
