I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
My night started to turn around the time I started calling her a "raggedy cunt".
Somehow she got that I meant it as a term of endearment.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
She asked for references to decide whether she wanted to have sex with me. And she was serious.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
