so... my grandma just told me i should be a stripper
well at least shes not calling you fat anymore
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
I worked all year for this tax return. I deserve to get my nipples pierced.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
And I'm laying here struggling with the notion that I need to put pants on.
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
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