I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
if he only knew that in between each sext i was puking.
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
My goal is to upperdeck the house I'm at, because it's some girl I don't know's birthday. Welcome to adulthood, bitch.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Dude if I call tonight please answer and just say "NO, dont do it."
BAT SHIT CRAZY
It's you're fault, even though I never called
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
