I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
She's drunk as hell locked up I. The bathroom with my shoes where do I go from here
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
IM TRYING TO BE RESPONSIBLE AND ALL I WANT TO DO IS FUNNEL CHEAP BEER AND SCREAM ABOUT HOW MUCH I LOVE OUR NATION
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
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