I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
He said I went to go sit outside and is promised I wouldn't leave he brings me a chair and I'm gone. He found me stumbling a half mile away in my socks
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
We need a bunch of roses, some chocolate, 2 cops, a mariachi band, and a thermometer
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
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