I had to get a ride home from that girl that slept with 3/4 of the band
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
Isn't it my whole life blown into this perfect spoon shaped piece of melted and artificially colored sand?
Wow.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Randomize
