I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
Why is my fridge empty save for a basketball???
Besides the one of you shaking your cock for 10sec that was one of the best snapchat's ever haha
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
You got your ass kicked outside KFC on Tuesday
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
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